...well me Uncle Calvin was a lowdown no-good scoundrel! (tee hee hee...)

...At least that is what Mum always said (tee hee hee...) He never staying in one place long...not sure why exactly... He was so much fun to be around! He knew magic too! He could make fire come out of his fingers and stuff! I know now it was the scrolls he kept up his sleeve...he taught me that trick...see! *shows you a half dozen scrolls stashed up his sleeves* (tee hee hee...) ...but back then I thought he was a real sorcerer or sumthin' (tee hee hee...) He let me read his books and stuff when I stayed with him and Aunt Jezzi...

...I only spent a couple of summer's with him when Mum was out crackin' skulls (tee hee hee...) She did not like to take me along on those long trips into the wild. She used to tell me that after a few days in the woods with me her "Mother'en Instincts" were strain'd to the break'en point. Not sure exactly what Mum meant by that...she never did really explain it to me... How can you break an instinct? I thought that instincts were somethin' you were just stuck with... Boy I miss me Mum... *sniff*

Huh? Oh, yeah...

Uncle Calvin! He was real good with locks and stuff like that. He used to travel around with Aunt Jezzi...we called her Aunt Jezzi but she was not my real Aunt...and Mum used to call her somethin' else when she thought nobody could hear... (tee hee hee...)

Uncle Calvin and Aunt Jezzi used to travel with their two wagons and help people with small repairs on their pots and pans and locks and knives and spoons and cups and...and animal traps and harnesses and...

Huh? Yeah! That's it! He was a tinker. That was what he was! Thanks!

And to help "make ends meet" ...never did understand that expression either...what ends? Meet where? Why would you want your "ends" to meet? What would they say to each other when they did meet?

Huh?... Oh yeah...

To help make "ends meet" (tee hee hee...) Uncle Calvin and Aunt Jezzi would collect things from other folks sometimes...It was such fun! They did not want me to help them but then they saw how quick I learned and it was too much fun I just had to lend a hand! How else would the "ends ever meet"? (tee hee hee...) I remember one time when I collected the local constable's badge after he had too much wine! He was out like a fat dwarf with his snout in a keg of ale! (tee hee hee...) Boy I bet he was mad when he woke up and saw that I had painted him green with some of Uncle Calvin's scroll ink! He looked like an orc! (tee hee hee...tee hee hee...) How was I to know that the ink did not wash off! (tee hee hee...) We had to pack real quick like and that very night and we traveled night and the next day too! (tee hee hee...)

Mum was real upset when I told her about that too. She said she knew that man and that he was a good man and what I did was bad. Not sure why even though she tried to explain it to me over and over and over... I kept askin her why it was bad when nobody really got hurt...finally she gave up and told me I was "Strain'en her Mother'en Instincts Again" and went off to practice with her sword for a couple of hours. She did that a lot after we would have our Mum and Boy talks (tee hee hee...)...(tee hee hee...)

Me Mum! Oh yeah! She was reeal good with a sword! She taught me everything I know! *beams proudly* I'm not nearly as good as Mum, and never will be I bet, she just works so hard at it! She taught me all about usin' my bow and huntin' and trackin' and woods craft... Huh?

Me Mum? Wha'd she do? Why me Mum was Sheriff of Greenridge county of course! You silly! (tee hee...) She was the woman in charge all right. Thar was no messin' about when Mum was near, no sir'ee buster! I once saw Mum crack a half-orcs skull wide open with just a wooden spoon! A wee wooden spoon mind you! Gosh dern orc had no manners see? That was sumthin' that Mum never will tolerate. "Manners is manners, no matter who you be." That is what me Mum always to says. Poor orc never knew what hit him...I guess he saw me wee ol' Mum and figured he could handle a wee little hobbit lady...(tee hee hee...) Boy was he wrong! (tee hee hee...)

It was pretty back in Greenridge. Lots o' trees and hills and streams and lakes and marshes and stuff. Mum used to travel a bit too after I got older. She used to say she was alookin' for nar do'wells. Sometimes I know she was 'cuz she would come back with'em...or what was left of 'em anyway... (tee hee hee...) Ooooo....I told you! No messin' about when Mum was round! (tee hee...)

Huh? Me Da' ? (tee hee hee...) He was the one me Mum was really lookin fer most of the time if'in you ask me (tee hee hee...) Mum would not talk about Da' much...But Uncle Calvin used to say he was a real scoundrel and a "player"...Not to sure what he played...harp maybe... Mum broke Uncle Calvin's nose one time whin he fergot and said it too loud and she 'erd hem. (hee hee...) Funniest thing! Mum was pluckin a chicken and all the sudden Uncle Calvin is a holler'in and yellin and me dear old Mum never stopped a pluckin! How can you break a guy's snoot with just a plucked chicken?! (tee...hee...hee...tee...hee...) I am tellin' ya, no messin about when Mum is nearby! No sir... (tee hee hee...)

Huh? Yeah, Mum was sheriff of the district all right...and she ran a tight ship! There's another one I never did understand...how do you make a ship tight? Do you tie it up? Just sounds silly to wrap rope around a ship to me...

Huh? Me Mum?

Well, Mum did not have to mess with the town folk much. Her district was mainly da' woods and da' hills and rivers and streams and... Huh? Yeah, that's it... She liked it that way too. Mum always used to say that there was not an animal around half as bad as the best person she ever met. (tee hee hee...) Mum did not trust people much. Well, not at least unless she knew dem real good. I think that is why we lived out in the woods so far from town. I liked it that way though. Mum taught me how to hunt and fish and trap and use a sword and use a bow and...huh? Oh I did? Told you about that already?

Hmm.... *digs for his large two foot long pipe and packs it with hobbit weed* You want some? Real good stuff... (tee hee...hee...hee)